This energy stealing often goes unseen, because even the most caring medical systems lack the conceptual framework to see and address it.
A person who is chronically stuck in a low emotional state (also known as an “incoherent” state), such as anger, fear, or depression, will be sending that message out to people around them all the time. Consequently, this will affect the other person’s emotional and mental state, bringing them down as well.
When someone is stuck in a chronic incoherent state, it is usually because of some emotional trauma from the past, and unconsciously, they will look to take the “juice” from others to raise their own vibration – and it is literally stealing life-force energy.
When you are aware of the health statistics linking emotional trauma with disease in later life, you’ll understand that it is an early death sentence, and stealing other’s life-force energy is no joke. Love and positive emotional wellbeing IS life-force energy, and it can be more important than nutrition and other factors:
Molecular Biologist Dr Bruce Lipton:
“The most important growth promoting signal in the world today for a human is love. It exceeds nutrition. A child getting love will grow. A child not getting love will be stymied in its growth. For example, in Eastern European orphanages where kids are given a lot of nutrition, but no attention, their growth parameters, their intelligence, their height, every aspect of their development is reduced by 30% or more, most of them becoming autistic.”
Examples of Energy Exchange from Animal and Plant Experiments
Fritz Albert Popp, the German theoretical physicist, who discovered that all living matter emits biophotons of light, also observed that fleas and small fish absorb light from each other all the time.
A Russian scientist, called Burlakov, observed that when young fish eggs were placed near older ones, the old ones sucked the light energy out of the younger ones, which withered away.
Almost 30 Years of Research by Heartmath Demonstrates the Science in Humans
Research by the Institute of Heartmath has shown that the heart generates the largest electromagnetic field in the body, and the electrical field as measured in an electrocardiogram (ECG) is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the brain waves recorded in an electroencephalogram (EEG).
Heartmath has also found that the clear rhythmic patterns in beat-to-beat heart rate variability are distinctly altered when different emotions are experienced.
The field around the heart can be measured several feet away from the body with magnetometers.
Heartmath has found that the heart’s energy field is not only transmitted internally to the brain, but is also detectable by others within its range of communication and can cause “entrainment,” meaning two people’s heart rate variabilities; therefore, emotional states tend to synchronize when in proximity to each other.
It is not only our hearts and emotions that synchronize in proximity to others, but research by Grinberg and many others confirm our brains also synchronize, even when communication is non-verbal, and we are separated by a Faraday cage, meaning that we can pick up on thoughts of others through communication, which is non-electromagnetic in nature, by quantum processes.
What the Science of Psychoneuroimmunology Shows
One of the more robust findings by the science of psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) and mind-body research is there is a strong correlation between healthy close personal relationships and immune function.
PNI researchers have found social isolation, lack of social integration, and interpersonal conflict are associated with increased inflammatory markers.
Contact with friends, family, and co-workers can directly affect your health and energy levels. Learning to deal difficult people and personality traits is critical.
If you want to have SuperCharged energy and well-being, you’ll need to clean up those energy vampires in your life!
Energy Vampiring works like a virus; once you are bitten, you have to bite someone else!
It’s key to understand how someone becomes an energy vampire. When we feel the need (usually unconsciously) to steal energy from others, it is because we are depleted, and this usually occurs because of some emotional trauma from the past where someone else stole our energy first.
Energy vampiring occurs like a virus, so once someone (usually as a child) has their energy stolen from them due to a trauma, it means they have been depleted and need to “feed” off someone else, unless they get treatment very early and learn how to connect back to their own source energy.
A sign you have been infected by this “energy virus” at some point is if you feel or exhibit any of the behaviours listed below:
- Lack of clarity, confusion, “brain-fog”
- Tiredness, lethargy
- Self-doubt, confidence issues
- Feeling bad, shame, guilt
- Addicted to winning, victory, competition
- Anger management problems
- Unable to express vulnerability or show weakness
- Discount own needs and place everyone else before self
- Lack of boundaries with others – doormat or abuser
- Addicted to “doing”, can’t relax and slow down
- Low self-worth and never feeling good enough
- Lack of trust and sense of safety in the world
- Depressed and uninspired
- Dependant on antidepressants
- Feeling numb
- Feeling lonely and isolated
- Self-loathing and excessive self-criticism
- Addictions – Alcoholism, workaholism, drugs
- Compulsive, self-destructive, or controlling behaviour
- Can’t stop eating foods that are processed and refined
- Addicted to drama and attention from others
EVERYONE is an Energy Vampire sometimes – including YOU!
The statistics, regarding the number of adults who have been exposed to emotional trauma in childhood, is staggering so don’t assume you haven’t been affected by trauma. This means there will be times you are an energy vampire yourself.
To assess whether you have been affected by emotional trauma in childhood – Get your “adverse childhood events”, or “ACE” score and read about the prevalence and health implications.
Identifying How Energy Stealing Occurs at the Individual Level
Overt abusers such as bullies, sexual predators and similar types are obvious energy stealers, however there are many more common subtle energy stealing behaviours to look out for.
20 Common Subtle Energy Stealing Behaviours
1/ Guilt Trippers – blamers and martyrs, these people chronically drain you with guilt about your actions, usually with verbal abuse that implies it is your fault some “so-called” negative circumstance exists, which affects them or both of you. Research has shown adults who are blamers were blamed as children by their parents.
2/ Chronic complainers – Chronic complainers wear us out by constantly focusing on how they are victims of life circumstances, which are always against them. They enjoy a captive audience and, unlike the broken friend below, they don’t want you to fix them; they just want to complain, constantly. This behaviour often develops in childhood, due to feelings of helplessness and parents, who never took responsibility for their own lives.
3/ Broken Friends – Make you their therapist, constantly asking you to help them solve their problems. The majority of conversations centre on giving them advice. The broken friend lacked parental support to develop skills for independent problem solving.
4/ Anger Addicts – have chronic unresolved anger, which drains us through intimidation and bullying. We are walking on eggshells, awaiting an outburst, or sometimes, anger addicts express themselves through giving us the silent treatment and withdrawing love. Anger addicts usually had rage-aholic parents; the recurring theme being that chronic pain has not been transformed inwardly, so it is thrust outwards.
5/ Chronic problem focusers – tend to suck the joy out of us by constantly discussing all their pressing problems and issues with which they’ve had to deal. Often, these people may lack support or were taught life wasn’t meant to be fun. Parents may have been brought up in hard times with no time for self-care or joy. Work ethic is everything.
6/ Perfectionist/criticizers – constantly drain us and deflate our enthusiasm and self-worth with criticism that makes us never feel competent or good enough. Usually, perfectionists will have been excessively criticized as a child.
7/ Drama Queens (and kings) – exhaust our energy field with intense emotion. Every event in the person’s life is exaggerated into a life or death situation. Parents of Drama Queens often mis-associated intimacy with drama.
8/ Dependant personality types – these people won’t take responsibility for managing parts of their own lives. This includes everything from their finances to not being able to navigate physical locations on their own. It all falls to you, and it’s very energy draining. Parents usually failed to support the growth of self-belief in capability and independent decision-making.
9/ Needy types – can’t be alone, drain you by sticking to you to the point of suffocation, then make you feel bad for abandoning them. These types were often emotionally abandoned or neglected by parents and never developed strong independent boundaries.
10/Achievers and overly competitive types can drain energy by making you feel worthless for resting or just having fun. In more toxic forms, they can steal energy by not being able to celebrate your real achievements with you or by making toxic comments to minimize or deflate you. They learnt their self-worth was dependant on excessive “doing” and achieving, rather than “being” due to parents who valued these attributes.
11/ Helpers – on the surface, they are there for you, often helping to solve problems and doing things for you, but it comes at a price. Their giving has strings attached. It is really a method of control, and their behaviour drains you through obligation. Helpers usually had conditionally loving parents, who obligated them in return for their love, and they do the same.
12/ Chronic Worriers – can wear us out not just from their own stress, but especially, if they project their forecasts of doom and gloom onto our lives and projects. They can also drain us with constant need for reassurance that the world is ok. Usually, chronic worriers had parents, who never felt safe in the world and passed this onto their children
13/ Passive aggressive Types – these types hate overt conflict, but are angry and express it in covert ways, such as consistently letting you down in what looks like unintentional or unavoidable ways. Passive aggressives were brought up in families, where it was unsafe to express anger. They drain you over time by letting you down in hurtful ways, which communicate you are not important to them.
14/ Gossips – gossips who energy steal only talk about the negative aspects or perceived failures in others in order to feel better about themselves. They also do it to feel part of the in-crowd, being “in the know.” These people didn’t develop enough self-esteem to feel secure in themselves due to various childhood experiences in school and home.
15/ People Pleasers – these types are overly nice. They can never be honest or direct about simply saying no and setting good boundaries. This is draining when it causes us to have to reciprocate in a similar fashion. It usually reflects low self-esteem, resulting from parents, who were neglectful or over-critical. People pleasers can also drain when they react over sensitively to honest feedback and healthy boundaries e.g. they may quit their job, break off friendships, etc.
16/ Constant talkers – these are the types who talk at you, non-stop, without ever asking about you. It is very draining. Usually, these people are lonely or may not have developed the social skills, and parents weren’t ideal role models.
17/ Contrarians – this type of person is often a kind of geek, who values knowledge and trades off knowing things. When toxic, they can be chronically contrarian. They have to debate you or say the opposite, no matter what your position, because they are gaining energy from being “right” all the time. This trait can often run in families.
18/ Pathological narcissists – pathological narcissists deserve a little extra explanation, as they are some of the most serious and abusive relationships with which to get involved.
Often invisible, pathological narcissism is a serious form of emotional abuse that could be described as “energy murder.” Often, narcissists are expert manipulators, but ultimately, are not capable of real love.
They can verbally say all the right things and even appear to do the right things for a while, but then, usually, through time and context, their true motives become clear.
If you suspect you are in a relationship with a pathological narcissist, or suspect one or both of you parents may be one, I recommend starting to explore the subject further and learning how to protect yourself via clinician Ross Rosenberg’s excellent Youtube videos.
Pathological narcissists can also be “covert” so to the outside world, they might be respected healers, teachers, ministers or even therapists! If you are currently dealing with verbal and emotional abuse from a pathological narcissist and need to know how to neutralize it, Rosenberg’s video on the “Observe Don’t Absorb” technique is highly recommended.
Adult children of pathological narcissists have very similar traits to adult children of alcoholics and other abusive or dysfunctional families. Adult children of pathological narcissists can either become codependent adults, or become a narcissist themselves.
A list of traits of a codependent is found here: http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List#1
The list of traits of pathological narcissists is found here http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List#3
Leaving, or cutting off contact a pathological narcissist can be very tricky difficult process and I highly recommend understanding more about how this can trigger a “narcissistic injury” via Ross Rosenberg’s Youtube Channel, or reading his book before you leave them: The Human Magnet Syndrome.
19/ Crowds – note that large crowds in shopping centers, airports, concerts, and so on can be extremely draining, due the magnified effect of negative emotions in areas that are always busy.
20/ Cultural energy vampires – read fully about these here.
Tips to Communicating Healthy Boundaries with Energy Vampires
Suspend judgement – Remember, we are all energy stealers, sometimes, as covert and overt abuse is so prevalent in society at present: suspend judgement of yourself and others. Use discernment to identify when energy drainage is occurring.
It’s not personal – Remember, energy stealing behaviour will have been caused by abuse in the past. Parents and people in authority will teach children how to relate to themselves and others. In other words, the behaviour is not personal.
Boundaries are key – Dealing with energy vampires is all about defining and setting clear boundaries to protect yourself. This can mean everything from communicating to the person or limiting your time with them to cutting off completely. The appropriate action depends upon the specific case.
Empaths are at greater risk – Empathic and sensitive personality types are, particularly, vulnerable to having their energy taken by others, because their energy fields are so open.
Many empaths and sensitives end up with chronic fatigue, often due to taking on the problems of family members and, unconsciously, trying to process the trauma through their own bodies. Empaths need to pay more attention than any other group to appropriate boundaries.
Prepare for the fall-out – However good you are at honest and non-judgemental communication, if the relationship is close or long-term, usually, you’ll need to prepare for a degree of disruption and fall-out when you withdraw yourself from energy stealers, as naturally, they won’t like it!
Essentially, you were their “food”, but you’ll be amazed when they will simply find someone else to feed off, instead of you, when you set your boundaries.
Communicate compassionately but firmly – A large part of the problem when communicating with energy vampires about their behaviour is that stealing occurs at the non-verbal energetic level, and the person doing it is, usually, completely unconscious of their behaviour.
The root cause of energy stealing is trauma, and usually, emotional trauma is NOT resolved verbally. It requires deeper consciousness work.
This means that often trying to talk about their behaviour won’t work. You can only communicate how you feel and establish appropriate boundaries.
But, for best results when verbally communicating:
- Be calm and non-emotionally reactive; avoid being drawn into drama or anger.
- Avoid defensiveness; it makes you look weak.
- Avoid judging statements or trying to convince them you are right.
- Listen without interrupting; empathize with their position, even if you don’t agree with them.
- Articulate how you feel and what your boundary needs are.
- Pick your battles and apologies when necessary; never hold onto resentment.
For an example of setting a boundary with a Chronic Complainer, if they are a co-worker, simply put time limit on how long you can speak, excuse yourself, or make other plans.
If it is a closer friend or family member or someone you value, you could say “I value our friendship but when you constantly repeat the same points it wears me out. I can listen for X minutes. When you want to focus on solutions, I’m there for you.”
When energy stealing is ok – If you have friends and family, everyone intermittently has a bad day or a bad patch: a loved one gets ill, divorced, a work project fails, someone needs you to help them. This is ok, and we can be there to support them, because they don’t live there all the time.
Also, when an exchange is highly conscious, e.g. trading a personal service for income, this can be appropriate. Everyone needs to make a personal choice about what they are willing to take on.
A Note on Sexual Energy Imbalance and Co-dependancy
The act of sex without love is energy stealing. This may be consensual, but it is toxic and often misunderstood as healthy intimacy.
Co-dependent relationships also fall into this category of mutual energy feeding, where the basis is need and “trading” energy rather than true love, which is based on freedom of choice, rather than need.
Explore whether you may be in a codependent relationship, it can be a sign of unresolved emotional imbalances from childhood which need healing.
A Note on Psychotherapeutic Relationships
A final area where a lot of energy stealing can occur is in a psychotherapeutic setting. Talking often doesn’t resolve a problem that is occurring at the unconscious energetic level, and focusing on it constantly can even feed the imbalance.
Many therapists are rescuers, often having their energy stolen by their clients. They are often prone to burnout as a result.
Rescuers, who constantly “help” people, may be coming from a genuine, but misguided loving place, or they may be getting an ego need met through external means by “needing to be needed,” job status, or feeling important.
Building up experience of understanding the difference between energy feeding and truly helping someone takes discernment. Sometimes “helping” others simply reinforces the idea that they are a stuck victim.
In truth, the best way to help others is to become the standard yourself. It is best to learn to resolve your own imbalances and help yourself before you can help others and the best therapists wont buy into the idea that their client is a chronic victim.
This is a quote often credited to Nelson Mandela. In fact, he was quoting Marianne Williamson in her bestselling book A Return to Love:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Becoming Immune to Energy Vampires
In this way, you don’t need someone else to “charge” you, so it is easy to disengage from negative and needy people.
True immunity from energy vampires requires:
1/ Learning how you may be an energy vampire yourself sometimes (we all are sometimes) and resolving this so we don’t attract codependent relationships
2/ This usually involves resolving our own emotional trauma from childhood, and other destructive habits and traits
3/ Ultimately this is a journey to learning to love yourself unconditionally so we become sources of our own self love, which can then be shared without conditions with others
There is extensive guidance on how to resolve emotional trauma in the free ebook on this website: The Seven Steps to Healing Emotional Trauma and Building Resilience
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